When Girls Are Mean on Purpose: 3 Things Your Daughter Needs to Know
When Girls Are Mean on Purpose: 3 Things Your Daughter Needs to Know
Sometimes it isn't a misunderstanding. Sometimes it isn't “friendship drama.”
Sometimes another girl is just being mean. She laughs when your daughter messes up.
She looks at her friends and smirks when your daughter walks by.
She says:
“Wait... you actually LIKE that?”
Or:
“You're seriously wearing that?”
She whispers something to another girl and they both start laughing.
She purposely leaves your daughter out and makes sure she knows about it.
She gets a group of girls together and suddenly your daughter is the one everyone is ignoring, talking about, or making fun of.
And sometimes it's even more subtle.
The eye roll.
The look across the room.
The sarcastic “Okaaay...”
The group chat your daughter suddenly isn't part of.
The inside joke everyone seems to understand except her.
The laughing when she gets an answer wrong, drops something, misses the goal, forgets the dance, or says something awkward.
Those little moments can feel HUGE to a girl.
And as a mom?
They can make you furious.
But here's what I want our girls to understand:
A girl can try to embarrass you without you needing to become embarrassed about who you are.
Her behavior says something about her choices.
It does not get to define your worth.
So when another girl is intentionally trying to make your daughter feel small, here are three things I want her to know.
1. Don't Let Their Reaction Make You Question What You Like
Imagine your daughter says:
“I love this song.”
And another girl responds:
“Ewww. You actually like that?”
Or your daughter wears something she loves and hears:
“You're seriously wearing THAT?”
Maybe she talks about a hobby she's excited about and someone laughs.
Suddenly, something your daughter loved five seconds ago feels embarrassing.
That's where I want her to learn to stop.
“Did I stop liking this—or did someone make me feel like I wasn't supposed to like it?”
Those are two VERY different things.
One of the easiest ways for girls to lose pieces of themselves is to constantly change according to the reactions around them.
Don't wear that.
Don't listen to that.
Don't talk like that.
Don't be too excited.
Don't be too smart.
Don't try too hard.
Don't be weird.
Don't stand out.
Eventually, a girl can become so focused on being accepted that she forgets to ask:
“But what do I like?”
Teach her that she doesn't need to defend every preference.
Sometimes the most confident response to:
“You actually like that?”
is simply:
“Yep. I do.”
That's it.
No argument.
No ten-minute explanation.
No changing herself afterward.
Yep. I like it.
There is so much quiet confidence in that sentence.
2. When They Laugh at Your Mistake, Don't Give Them Your Next Attempt Too
This one can really hurt.
Your daughter tries something...
and messes up.
She misses the shot.
Trips during the routine.
Gets the answer wrong.
Mispronounces something.
Makes a mistake in front of everyone.
And another girl laughs.
Maybe several girls laugh.
Your daughter is already embarrassed—and now she feels humiliated.
That's exactly the kind of moment that can make a girl decide:
“I'm never doing that again.”
But here's what I want her to understand:
They already got one moment.
Don't give them your next one too.
Someone laughing at your mistake does not mean you shouldn't have tried.
It means they chose to laugh at someone who was trying.
There's a difference.
And sometimes the bravest thing your daughter can do is straighten herself back up and continue.
She can think:
“Yep. I messed up.”
“That was embarrassing.”
“And I'm still going.”
Because confidence isn't never being embarrassed.
Confidence is realizing:
Embarrassment won't destroy me.
That is an incredibly powerful lesson for a girl to learn.
3. When Girls Gang Up on You, Remember: More People Doesn't Mean They're More Right
This may be one of the hardest situations.
One girl saying something mean hurts.
Five girls doing it can make your daughter think:
“If everyone thinks this about me, maybe it's true.”
But five people repeating something doesn't turn it into truth.
Sometimes one girl starts something and everyone else follows.
They laugh because she laughed.
They exclude because she decided someone was out.
They pile onto the group chat.
They whisper.
They stare.
They repeat the story.
And suddenly one girl's cruelty has an audience.
Teach your daughter this:
A crowd doesn't automatically make someone right.
And she does NOT have to stand there trying to convince a group of girls to approve of her.
She can leave.
She can sit somewhere else.
She can find a trusted adult.
She can save messages or screenshots if something is happening online.
She can tell you.
She can tell a teacher, counselor, coach, or another safe adult.
Walking away from a group that is deliberately humiliating you isn't weakness.
It's self-respect.
And if the behavior becomes repeated targeting, harassment, threats, online attacks, or ongoing exclusion intended to harm her, that's no longer something she should be expected to handle by herself.
Bring adults in.
Asking for help isn't “being dramatic.”
Give Her a Few Words to Use
One reason girls sometimes freeze is because they genuinely don't know what to say.
So practice before she needs it.
If someone says:
“Really? You LIKE that?”
She can say:
“Yep.”
If someone laughs because she messes up:
“At least I tried.”
If someone says:
“Nobody wants you here.”
She can say:
“Okay. I'm going somewhere I'm treated better.”
If someone says:
“You're so weird.”
She doesn't need a comeback worthy of a movie scene.
She can simply say:
“Okay.”
And walk away.
Because here's something I really want our girls to learn:
You don't have to win the comeback.
You don't have to embarrass her back.
You don't have to prove you're tougher.
Sometimes confidence looks incredibly boring.
Don't engage. Don't perform. Don't give away your power. Walk away.
And Moms... Don't Immediately Tell Her “Just Ignore Them”
I know why we say it.
We're trying to make the situation feel smaller.
But to your daughter?
It might not feel small at all.
Instead try:
“That was mean.”
“I can understand why that hurt.”
And then:
“But what she did doesn't change anything about who YOU are.”
That distinction matters.
We're acknowledging the hurt without allowing the other girl's behavior to become your daughter's identity.
Then ask:
“What do you want to do next?”
That's where we're helping her build the skill instead of simply fixing the situation for her.
One Conversation I Want Every Mom to Have With Her Daughter
Ask her:
“Who gets to decide who you are?”
Then talk about it.
Because throughout her life, people are going to have opinions about her.
Too loud.
Too quiet.
Too weird.
Too serious.
Too sensitive.
Too ambitious.
Too much.
Not enough.
And if she changes herself every time someone has an opinion?
She'll spend her whole life chasing approval.
Instead, I want our girls to know:
You can laugh at me and I can keep trying.
You can dislike what I like and I can keep liking it.
You can exclude me and I can find people who make room for me.
You can talk about me and I don't have to become what you said.
You can decide you don't like me and I can still like myself.
THAT is confidence.
Friendship Shouldn't Require You to Become Smaller
Our girls need to learn how to be kind.
But they also need to learn that being kind doesn't mean tolerating cruelty.
They can have boundaries.
They can leave.
They can ask for help.
They can choose different friends.
They can refuse to participate when another girl becomes the target.
And they can learn to recognize the difference between a friendship going through a hard moment and a relationship that repeatedly makes them feel small.
That's a huge reason I created the WholeHearted Girls Navigating Friendships Toolkit.
It gives girls practical tools for navigating jealousy, exclusion, difficult friendship situations, confidence, boundaries, bravery, self-worth and what healthy friendship actually feels like.
Because Mom can't be standing beside her in every hallway, locker room, lunch table, practice, sleepover, or group chat.
But we can help her build the voice she carries into those rooms.
And one of the most important things that voice can tell her is:
